What the hell is wrong with me?
  I'm in a band, ladies can't you see
  Please don't judge me by the car that I drive
  Or the fact that I haven't had a date since '95
    Come on, don't go away
  Don't listen to your friends when they that I am gay
  I try so hard but I just can't get no play
  Don't have any STDs
  Come on, I'm begging on my knees
  Come on get close just ignore the fleas
    We will take anything that walks . . .
  Because we're desperate
    I know I'm not a handsome man
  Cuz I look like an ogre with a farmer's tan
  And every time the ladies see me and I'm walking their way
  They say, "Brian smells, everybody stay away"
    Oh ladies, can't you see
  I can't help it because I'm ugly
  But I'm in a band, don't that count for something
  Come on now, don't delay
  Cuz if you don't call then I'll probably rent-a-date
  And my tab keeps rising, cuz I do it every day
  Oh ladies, can't you see
  I'm in a band, why aren't you attracted to me?
  I don't care if you're underage
  Just as long as you'll be seen with me in a public place
  What's it gonna take? (What's it gonna take?)
  For you help me bake cookies?
  Doo-Wah-Doo
  Cuz I need to know
  I'm all hot and ready
  And I got to go . . .
  Because we're Desperate
    Why oh why must I have this rash
  No girls talk to me they just step back
  Should I lift weights? Would that make me more sexual?
  Maybe wear glasses would that make me intellectual?
  Come on lets do it fast
  Cuz I'm all hot and ready and it just wont last
  And I got 20 dollars what can I get for that?